Tessa Violet released a video yesterday that shared the title of this article. I usually don’t like her work that much, I feel like my tastes have changed since I first subscribed to her, but this one really struck a chord with me.
I’m at a bit of a low point at the moment. It’s not lack of motivation, as this build up may have suggested, but more the amount of work coming my way over the next couple of months and the lack of any real value it has. I’ve laboured my distaste for maths degrees, and degrees in general, in the past so I won’t bring it up again, but this time I feel like it’s something more. I think my mood also has a lot to do with the routine I have settled into where I am either working hard, out with my friends or taking a rare chance to play some games while trying to forget about how I could use the time better.
But Tessa said something, in jest, in her video that I think she truthfully meant. She mentioned that, underneath, she is a really insecure person and that she uses success to cover up her feelings of worthlessness, and I feel like she has put words to something that has niggled at me for a while.
I’ve been doing well in university and I’ve been pursuing my other interests as well, though not as much as I would like. I haven’t been painting or drawing nearly as much as I would have liked in 2016, I haven’t been able to sink my teeth into any of my ideas for long-form fiction as the ideas fall flat and I have been playing Dota when I can. The main thing at the moment, for me, is writing music, which is going really well. Playing shows as well is incredibly satisfying, along with performing in any way for people like when I was a guest on my friend’s radio show.
The unfortunate thing is that I will always return to a point where I remember that nothing I do really matters or will have a lasting impact. It gets to the point where I don’t really like myself and either I wallow in the feelings, go out and cover them up, work and distract myself or write music to get them out of me for a while. I need to write more songs about drugs and less about suicide.