Dota 2 – The greatest test of friendship known to man

Since I haven’t written anything in a while and my serious posts are all only half done and half satisfactory I felt like some satire was in order.

Dota 2 could well be the greatest language course of all time. You pick which part of the world you want to play in and then the game slaps you across the face and says “no no, my dear boy. You will play with Russians and like it, and you will learn their ways and you will learn to like it. You’re in for the long haul now.” When I first started playing Dota 2 I didn’t understand why there were so many Russians on every single server you went on, but then, after around about 1000 hours, I too found myself writing in this disgusting, communist language known as Россия. I had become one of them.

Everyone has their limit and then, finally, you crack. After being told that you suck so many times in so many language you don’t understand you realise that you can find solace in it. You know you suck but your teammates suck harder. In Dota 2, anything that goes wrong is never your fault, even when it is. It’s a game about blaming other people for the terrible things that they do and then reminding them of their misplays whenever they do something good. Then, about 2000 MMR down the line or after an entire lifetime’s work you will resign yourself to this. 5,000 hours play time and a 50.5% win-rate.

That, for a while, makes you happy, but eventually the joy of flaming in Россия just doesn’t do it for you any more and you have to seek greater things. You want every single person in your game to know that you are better than them. When you win, regardless of how long the game is or how well you did, that game was EZ. When you lose it’s because your team were noobs. When you get put into Low-Priority it’s obviously because you’re too good at the game that people got jealous and reported you.

You see, Dota 2 isn’t a game to be played, and nor is it a game to be mastered. Dota 2 is a game to be won, and that’s why it is the best game ever, but, for god’s sake, don’t try and play it with friends that you want to keep. It might seem to be all fun and games at first but eventually we all breakdown. People start to come appart at the seams and, whoever sees it first, goes for the throat. That’s it, friendship over. You don’t have a life anymore, all you have is Dota 2, and that’s why I still play. 11/10. Would learn Россия again.

Side effects may include:

  • anxiety
  • raging
  • nausea
  • nose bleeds
  • racism
  • greater cultural appreciation
  • low self esteem
  • high self esteem
  • erections
  • tourette’s
  • bipolar disorder
  • Россия
  • noob
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